People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
what does he know…
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
January is lasting longer than my marriage
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!