The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham