Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?