There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Meow
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Why soy sad?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*