Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Any refunds available?…
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”