Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Our lord and savoury.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
At least my masseuse has my back.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.