The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
#Caturday
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.