My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.