“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming