therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]