If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??