[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
🙋♀️
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2