DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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Nomnomnomnom
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.