*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
a fate I wish upon no one
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.