Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
me doing my best
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money