Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
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My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Very good! 👍😂
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.