Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
just gave your address to some spiders
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me