The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Love this guy
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”