*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I never needed anything more in my life
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9