succession but with mickey mouse and friends
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?