Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
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Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.