Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Pretty much. 🤣
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.