Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
You Might Also Like
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys