I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you