Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
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[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
become ungovernable
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?