2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
You Might Also Like
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If you know, you know
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
you have three unread messages
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.