HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.