Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.