ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Hero horse inspires millions
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?