My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.