plant them where lol
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
when you are just born a rebel
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.