Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.