I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.