I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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How it started How it’s going
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.