tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.