said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
That’s classic.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.