please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.