my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.