Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car