Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
You Might Also Like
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
i love meeting boys on tinder
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
dutch is not a serious language
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?