Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I hate my earbuds.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.