Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The funk soul brother
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.