“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me