“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.