As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn