Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
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Battery falling down a hole
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Breaking news:
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.