NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas