Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
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nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Herpes is trending, good job people
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.