Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
You Might Also Like
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that