Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.